like tears
that cleanse the cluttered soul.
I crack. I cry. I spill my guts to my husband. I go to bed.
And, when I stir in the morning, still thick and groggy, I drop my feet to the floor and begin padding my way forward toward the day, before thoughts can crowd my mind...before reluctance can slow progression toward the kitchen, toward the cat food, toward the washing machine as water begins to cascade into the basin.
Sometimes it all seems like too much.
And...what is "it all"?
"It" is anything.
And, "all" is a lot of it.
Too many demands and expectations. Too many voices telling me what to be and how to look and what to cook and how to re-purpose an old dresser from the neighbor's curb. My "own skin" feels too boring, too ordinary. Too many children needing personal, academic, artistic, therapeutic, medical, and disciplinary attention. I sense the unraveling... A thread of emotional distress tied to the female pendulum of emotion, hormones and fatigue colliding into one another, until something silly and inconsequential becomes the proverbial "straw" that breaks the momma's mind....oh, wait...I meant "back."
Sometimes it's never enough.
"It" would be any natural or material resource.
And, "enough" would be a black hole of deficit.
Never enough time, energy, creativity, patience...money....
I cherish order. OCD is in my DNA, and I face an uphill, no...up-mountain battle for order every day. My world is not sterile. It is a moving, sticky, sizzling, bubbling, muddy, snotty, bloody, oozing, groaning, moaning, laughing, squealing, crying, barking, meowing, engines revving, feet stomping, bicycles flying, roller skates spinning, cars crashing, milk-spilling kind of world. I feel like I'm holding back a tide of chaos while simultaneously attempting to facilitate an enjoyable, pleasant arena for relaxation, discovery and, even, adventure. To paint without getting it in someone's hair....
To encourage learning and achievement without engaging in a battle over school work.
To play board games without tears of losing dampening the joy.
To take the family out for a meal, for a day at the beach, for a weekend at your sister's home without taking out a second mortgage....
My biggest complaint with social media, at this point, is the perceived concept of a community of friends and family in perpetual nirvana. It begins to feel like my family is the only one that is bored and ordinary, or my children are the only ones that whine and argue, or our home is the only one that wouldn't be featured, bright and glossy, in House & Home. And, so it goes...
too much and never enough.
"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along." -Rae Smith
There are so many encounters, challenges, deliberations in life that seem to slowly erase the person I know I am deep within. She is free and light and clear and driven. She was present in my younger days, to the point of being my very identity. But, as my identity has become more Schizophrenic as a wife and mother, I have occasionally lost the reference point to the me of which I'm most proud. The part that isn't riddled with doubt or insecurity or fear.
When I want to tear away all obstacles that seem to stand in the way of seeing myself, knowing myself, I suddenly realize that they are the very things that identify me more than anything could. My responsibilities will speak to my commitment.
My husband will speak to my friendship.
My home will speak to my gratitude.
My income will speak to my ingenuity.
My friends will speak to my individuality.
My pets will speak to my tolerance.
My bank account will speak to my priorities.
My work will speak to my pride.
My children will speak to my sacrifice.
Take stock of who you are and what you have, and smile.
When the tears have shed their weight, and all is new, I find refreshment in a life that is all my own.
The Spring rains fall,
like us all,
and puddle...
to reveal a depth and reflection to ponder.
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